School is starting on Wednesday

NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Scout Camp

Man, it's been a long time. I've been away with my Stick Scout camp. Not a computer in sight. Actually, not much that uses electricity in sight. That's alright, though. Sometimes I like to get back to my roots...


It was a week long trip to some camp next to the Wabash River. One day we waded down the river (Dip Stick said we were playing "Pooh Sticks." Doofus.), and the next day we were hiking sticks. We sang a lot of songs around the camp rock pit (no campfires for us; we're not evil like you all). I even met my requirements for two new badges: Wood Knots and Leafprinting. I might move up a rank from Sapling to Sugar Maple. I'm hoping to become a Sycamore in a couple of years.


I also got a bad case of poison ivy. Humans, you know, get sores and rashes. Trees, though, get tangled up in vines. It makes it very hard to move. I've still got a couple of twists in me. And they're itchy.


Mom said that Pappy Stick will be visiting us this weekend. I'm kind of pumped up. First of all, he's not bringing Old Walkin' Stick with him. Second, we might go to a baseball game. The Clinton LumberKings are playing the evil Bakerfield Blaze. I hate fire.

A Necessary Evil?

My mom wanted to go shopping for school supplies today, which is something I so obviously DON'T want to do (I'm avoiding school like the plague). Have you ever noticed how many school supplies are made of trees? Pencils, loose leaf paper, notebooks, folders. Heck, even scissors and pens and stuff come IN cardboard products, made, of course, by paper. But it's kind of necessary, isn't it? I mean, until we all come to school with laptops and email assignments back and forth, paper is the way to go.


But still, how would you like it if you went to school and used school supplies made of HUMAN FLESH???? I suspect that it would be kind of gross to you.


So, anyway, I think school is starting way, way, way too soon. Mom says I should be reading a little more, but that involves books...which are made of PAPER! At least video games aren't made of trees. Although I wish they would come back with joySTICKS.

Tree Terrorists

There's this bug that somehow got over to our country, and it's hurting a lot of my friends. It's called the Emerald Ash Borer, and it kills Ash Trees by giving them some disease. Thankfully my family is immune; our family tree consists of a lot of Red Oaks, but it's a bit disconcerting to know that some nasty insect can come over and destroy life as we know it.

You know what I think? I've been watching the news and hearing about how North Korea has hopes for creating nuclear weapons. Then I suddenly hear that they're willing to work with the US and give up nuclear ambitions. Oh, but that's just a ploy! I'll guarantee you that they're behind the Emerald Ash Bore. It's Insectial Warfare, I tell you!

And the US does nothing about it. Too bad that millions of their tree citizens are dying before their very eyes. What is their course of action? Mandate that people shouldn't bring firewood when they camp! Baloney!

I hope that Bark Obama is elected President. You know he'll take care of our kind; he's a Democrat. And lots of people ROOT for him.

BORING BORING BORING

Summer is over half gone. And what am I doing with my time off? NOTHING! Besides hanging out with Dip Stick this week, it's been a complete bore. At least I've been sleeping like a log. Wake up times at noon? That's right. I'm not a bird and I don't need a worm.

Besides sleeping I've been playing some games. I just got one of those retro Atari video game systems. You know, the one with the joysticks? It's got Pong and Asteroids and Pitfall! Ah, good times, good times.

The Stickball Game

Hey ya'll. Long time no blog. I never got to write about my trip to the Reds game.

The family, Dip Stick, and I got up early and headed down to Cincinnati for the afternoon game. Nothing really eventful happened during the game. Had some root beer, leafed through the program, saw my bud Adam Dunn hit a long ball. All in all a good day.

We headed down towards the player's entrance afterwards, hoping to get an autograph. I brought my Sharpie and baseball cards. Dip Stick brought a Sharpie, too, but nothing else. We waited around for a little while, and I lost track of Dip Stick (like usual). When I finally found him, guess what? He got an autograph from Adam Dunn! On his bark!

"I'm never washing this off," he said.

"You don't take baths," I added.

"I'm getting this carved," he said.

"I'm not going into that conversation again," I mentioned (see a previous blog).

All in all this was a good day. I wanted to stick around a little while longer, but dad said we had to leaf. Later.

Thanks, Friends

I'm so glad to see all my stick buddies responding to my blog. NOT! Come on, give Sticky some lovin'. Not you, Dip Stick.

My mom Lip Stick had a baby six months ago. My baby sister is named Goo Goo Stick, and she's a handful. It used to be all she did was cry and poop. And let me tell you, changing her was a nightmare. Her poop was real sappy and sticky. But now she's getting cuter. She makes cooing sounds and smiles and stuff. She also drools. Again, gross. That's even sappy. My mom has even joked about turning all of her drool into maple syrup. Gross.

Today I'm going to see a Cincinnati Reds game. I can't wait to see major league bat players. I hope Ken Griffey Jr.'s bat hits a home run. When I grow up, I want to be a professional bat.

A Hazardous Holiday

Did you know that more sticks are killed during the Fourth of July than Valentine's Day, Easter, and Memorial Day combined? Fireworks are dangerous things, kids. Keep that in mind when you light one off next to a forest.

I hung out with Dip Stick yesterday playing video games and watching movies. First we watched Stuck On You and then Lord of the Rings. I'm telling you, I love movies where trees get to talk. Then Ents in Lord of the Rings are awesome, but isn't it a bit cliqueish to expect huge talking trees to be SLOW? They talk slowly, they move slowly, and they think slowly. Talk about stereotyping. And not only that but they use human actors to voice the tree-people. Now that's a slap in the trunk.

And speaking of trunks, Dip Stick is talking about getting a tattoo on his. "Don't you think that's a bit dangerous?" I asked. "I wouldn't want some amateur to carve his initials in my bark."

"But I don't want initials," he said.

"What do you want?"

"I want, I want...a carving of a chainsaw," he said.

"That's absolutely crazy," I shouted. "Chainsaws cut us down! You're just asking to be made into a table."

You know, I don't think I have much to worry about. Dip Stick's parents aren't going to allow that to ever happen. His mom has a carving of a heart on her, and she usually keeps it covered with moss now.

Give My Dog a Bone

It was a pretty nice day today, so I took my dog out for a walk around the neighborhood. His name is Stog, by the way, and he's a maniac. Now most dogs like to chase sticks. Since he's made of sticks, that wouldn't make any sense. He'd chew himself apart. Nope, he likes to chase humans.

So we pass by some poor guy mowing his lawn (another hideously evil task; grass is a distant cousin in our family) and I knew there'd be trouble. Stog launched towards the guy before I could get a tight grip on his leash. The guy stood there like a doofus before he realized that this stick dog wanted to rip off a leg. So he ran, but not before Stog took a chunk out of his Levis. The dude grabs a stick and tries to beat Stog off. Again, makes no sense, and it doesn't do any good.

But, see, I'm a pretty sharp stick. I actually brought a little doggie treat for him just in case a human mauling happened (which it has before). "Here boy," I call, waving a Miracle Gro spike. Well, that got Stog's attention. He let go of the poor guy's leg and came bounding over to me. The guy limped off into his garage, probably to get he hedge clippers. Needless to say, we took off.

I guess you can say that we're not very good friends with our neighbors. My dad spotted the firepit family again and put out their genocide fun with a fire extinguisher. Add our little stick dog attack, and I'm surprised that we haven't had the cops called on us.

By the way, our house isn't made of wood. What kind of sickos do you think we are? It's got concrete walls.

Camping Carnage

I saw something this evening that really peevs me off. Some family was out back enjoying some family time...with a campfire! You know, I thought that racism was dying out, gender roles were slowly coming to an end, blah blah blah. But you can go into any Walmart and buy a number of stick-killing firepits. Hey, I know what we can do tonight, kids. Let's go murder some poor, innocent group of sticks. We'll sit around the carnage and even use their still burning carcasses to toast some marshmallows. Sounds fun!

I say a little consideration for the stick people of the world! Let us live in peace, or a least let us live! You don't need us to provide fuel for cooking anymore, so why not go inside and enjoy your natural gas fireplace? No need to go all caveman on us.

Tomorrow my fam is going to visit our Grandpa, Pappy Stick, and our great-grandpa, Ole Walkin' Stick. He's an old hickory that likes to remind us to take our shoes off in the house so we don't track leaves in. Can't wait for the excitement. I just hope we don't stick around too long. Sunday Night Baseball is on later, and I love to watch a little stick ball.

The Hiking Disaster

So do you remember me saying that Dip Stick and I were going on a hike in the woods? Yeah, that was a nightmare.

There's a park not too far from my house, so we just walked over. "Stick with me," I told Dip Stick, but he's a few leaves short of a full bloom, if you know what I mean. Anyway, the next thing I know, he's not around me. I'm yelling for him, but the guy doesn't really say much. I start to panic. The problem is that, well, he's a stick, and we're in the woods, which is full of...sticks. I'm yelling for him and getting no response. Now, I'm not a weeping willow or anything, but I was getting pretty scared.

I was searching and yelling for about 15 minutes, and I finally found him by a creek dangling his feet in the water and giggling. "You aspen," I said. "I've been looking for you. Why didn't you answer me???"

"Huh," was all he said. What an acorn for brains.

Next week we're going to Cedar Point to ride the wooden roller coaster. I WAS going to bring Dip Stick along with us, but now I'm not so sure. I'm not spending my entire vacation searching for the dude.

The Beginning

Hello from your pal Sticky Stick! I've never tried to journal on the web, but I'm willing to give it a shot. I am, after all, a modern stick.

For those who don't know me, I am a stick. Seriously. Not the kind who falls off the tree, though. I'm a stick person. Which can stink at times. You ever try finding pants that fit? Yeah, I've heard it before from you girls, but come on. I'm a size 27...centimeters! Oh, and getting a caricature drawing of myself? Complete rip-off.

But overall it's a pretty good life. I'm off school right now. It's summer, and I'm having a blast. My bark is getting a nice tan cause I've been out in the yard a lot this summer. And I've only been picked up by a dog twice since school let out. It's not cool being a dog's favorite chew toy, let me tell you.

Hopefully I'll be back on and writing about what's going on daily. I'm supposed to meet my pal Dip Stick for a a little hike in the woods. We're going to be hiking sticks. Later.